The Sun Hung From a String

I know I've said this here before, but all of my titles are Owl City lyrics. Heck, the name of this blog is an Owl City line. I just absolutely love Owl City's music. Primarily his first three albums. The last one (All Things Bright and Beautiful) kind of got a little rockish. Still good stuff, but not the wonderful noises of the first 3 albums. And yeah, I just wrote wonderful noises because I can't seem to nail down his sound... 


Lately I've been reading a ton of blogs on quiverfull families, homeschooling, the courtship process, etc. Mostly women's journeys in retrospect now that they're older. (For those who don't know, quiverfull families are those that believe in absolutely no birth control methods, and trusting in God for their family size. Aka, the Duggar family.) The quiverfull/homeschooling movement was something I was really into when I was like, 15-17. And I say movement because they are movements. But they don't have to be. You can homeschool your kids without there being so much hubub about it, and just educate your children and not have 425,598 different (passionate) reasons why you've decided to do that.


I am not quiverfull minded (I was recently asked this) and I do plan on homeschooling my kids. Although I like the idea better of just hiring tutors all day, or just putting them in a homeschool school, haha. (They really have those, you know.) I don't want them in public school, but I don't want the emphasis being homeschool. Does that make sense? I want them to get their education from all sorts of different venues. And I think that's great! I want my kids to explore the world, not be indoctrinated (whether that's by public school, or by a very strict homeschool agenda). I don't want to create ideological clones.


As for the quiverfull movement (which the general public has seen now thanks to the Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar family), I used to be 100% of the same mindset. Being on birth control was simply not trusting in God. Children were blessings, and rejecting His blessings was an act of taking control away from Him. I simply do not believe this anymore. We know that God can work through birth control, obviously. I am also of the belief, however (and therefore am aware) that He respects our freewill. If we are purposely trying to prevent something like children, He will respect that desire. Sometimes! 


Now I am personally against birth control pills, for medical and some moral reasons. I am against any birth control that as abortifacient elements in it. But I have no problem with other kinds. My thing is being OPEN to children. That's a huge thing for me. Out of 6 kids, I was the only one not planned. And it's a weird feeling. Especially when you have 3 older siblings and 2 younger siblings and YOU were the only one not planned... I don't ever want any of my children to be "accidents." They can be surprises (even couples trying to conceive get surprises) but not accidents. Children will always be welcomed into my uterus home. That doesn't mean my husband and I will be trying to get pregnant 24/7 until I'm 47 years old. Just that it will never be an "oh, crap" moment. 'Cause that's your baby, yknow! So that's my big thing. Openness. Because you never know what may happen, or what God wants to do, and having a sucky attitude towards your child is sucky.

The Horizon and The Rooftop Meet

I haven't posted in this blog in nearly 2 years, and a LOT has changed. In the last blog I made, I was a single 19-year old. Now I am a 21-year old married woman. It's pretty crazy thinking back on how quickly things fell into place with my husband Jesse. We began dating and got married within a year and a half. While we were dating, I thought things were going slow, but looking back, it all happened so fast!

I guess I wanted to blog, simply about things in life now. Currently it is 10pm on a Friday night and Jesse has been sleeping for almost 2 hours! That's OK. I've been cleaning and disinfecting the kitchen and taking the trash out in my PJs. He is seriously the sweetest things when he sleeps...

I'm just going to be real with this blog, I don't even care who reads it. I may talk about girly things like having babies or housewife-y stuff. Like, ladies, ladies! I just found the NIFTIEST thing to use to effectively clean the inside panel of a wall vent!!! Yeah... But, none of that stuff.

So I live in Champaign, Illinois now. I'm glad. Ever since I was about 17 years old I've been driving 45 minutes from my parents home to do various things, or see various people in this town. And now I actually live here! In a house! With my awesome husband! It's pretty neat. Our neighborhood is very "down home." Normal folk. It's nice. Apparently tomorrow is the big Illini Marathon and these do-gooders are going to be traipsing all around my house. Figuring out how to get anywhere tomorrow may be a task.

What kind of motivated me to write a blog, was a blog I happened upon via a practical joke I wanted to pull on Facebook. A few months back, one of my sisters posted a picture on her Facebook of a pregnancy test. And obviously since most people don't post pictures of negative pregnancy tests, I about had a heart attack. But upon further investigation (erm, clicking on the picture), I was greeted by that little window on the test simply saying "just kidding." I remembered that and thought it'd be funny to post the same picture on my Facebook. Mostly because the thought of having a baby totally freaks Jesse out. I thought especially his parents would get a kick out of it. ;)

So anyway, I'm Google image searching this picture. I found it, clicked the image, and it led me to this 29-year old married woman's blog. I think her name is Jenn. She has been married to her husband for 3 years and has been trying to have a baby (with no luck) for almost 1.5 years. It was interesting reading her blog, because as someone who has never been pregnant and has never tried to get pregnant, I cannot relate. But at the same time I had the capabilities of relating. Let me explain...

Fertility to a woman (OK, most women) is a huge deal. Obviously it's not what makes us a woman, but it's a huge part of it. A huge part of what makes us different from men. And pregnancy and having babies is a huge, huge blessing. I know that now. The thought of not being able to get pregnant is a daunting one. And seriously, after reading this woman's blog and kind of putting myself in her shoes, if you're a woman who has had children, you are very, very blessed! There are a lot of couples out there who cannot have biological children! Or those who are really struggling to do so.

Whoa... Jesse moved and about whacked me upside the head...

God has really given Jesse and myself a desire to adopt. My heart melts for babies who just aren't getting the kind of lovin' they deserve. (Unfortunately, these babies aren't all orphans.) I would find it a gargantuan blessing to be able to care for, and adopt one of these children. I've said babies, but it's not like we only want to adopt babies. At my current age, the younger the child, the better. It might just be a little crazy if we adopted a 10-year old or something. But in most countries, I think there has to be a pretty significant age gap between child and parent anyway.

Well, those are only a few thoughts I have for tonight. It's almost 11pm and I'm getting kind of tired... AND OLD! See ya.

Story Station

This may seem like an obvious statement. Maybe I am just way behind on the bearing fruits bandwagon, but I find it amazing when God wants to perfect every area in our lives, and not just the obvious.

Just this evening I was reminded of an area of my life that I haven't really thought about in years. And I think God brought this to my attention because I don't know if I've really ever forgiven the people involved in this situation. I mean, I haven't really thought about it. I'm not a grudge-holder (okay, I may be for approx. 3.5 minutes, but no longer than that), so I guess I've always figured, well... I haven't thought about it. Just let it go, right? But I think God is thinking, no. Forgive. In fact, Jesus Himself told us to pray, "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have wronged us." Another Scripture says, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." (Matt 6:14-15)

But what if you've gone 6 1/2 years not knowing that you have debtors you've failed to forgive?

And God "randomly" brought to my attention a time when I was 12 years old.

I was in public school from the ages of 5 to 12. The school was a very small neighborhood school. It was K-8th grade and it housed about 150 students. Right in the middle of my 7th grade year, during winter break, I decided I wanted to be homeschooled. I absolutely hated school. I hated the structure, the confinement, the subjects. It was in my Jr. High Science class where I developed a mentality that I still (unfortunately) possess today: If I think something is stupid, I don't do it. That's not to say that if I don't do something, it's because I think it's stupid. I think it would be absolutely amazing to professionally speed race, but just because I'm not doing it, doesn't mean I think it's stupid. See, I was a very smart kid. I'm still a smart kid in theory. But if I ever get the thought in my mind of, "Why am I doing this? This is pointless and/or stupid," I cease trying. This thought-process resulted in one Science test that I specifically remember getting a 48% F on. :-) Study diligently to gain absolute pointless information? I don't think so. Unfortunately I still have a superiority-complex which makes me think that for whatever reason, I have much better things to do with my time, half the time.

OK, so I hated school. Now, friend-wise, things were great. There were no cliques, I was very much liked, the ridiculous cat fights between us girls ended after 5th grade, etc. So don't get the impression that I hated school because I got beat up or anything. So back to the middle of my 7th grade year. My younger brother had been homeschooled for about a year or so at this point, and I decided I wanted to be homeschooled too, because my grades were continuing to drop, and I knew it wasn't a good learning environment for me, and, I like change. So in December of 2003, I get homeschooled (technically it's still Christmas break though) and soon after that I signed up for lessons with the Champaign School of Music.

For some unknown reason, when I told some of my public school friends the change of plans, that I wouldn't be back, they went insane. Now, had I known that my lack of presense would have caused some of these kids' brains to become detached from their skulls, melt, and squish out of their ears, perhaps I would have thought twice about my decision. The kicker was, the kids that I wasn't very close to didn't care. The kids that I was the closest to, some of my best friends, were the ones who started treating me like I was less than human.

I won't paint a perfect angel Karee picture of myself, though. I was 12 and stupid, they were 12 and stupid, and I know I probably wasn't completely innocent with how I went about all of this either. But really, the attack came out of nowhere and things were said to me that no 12-year old should even know the definitions of. Insults that were clearly adopted from nasty adult cartoons and older sisters. It wasn't one or two mean words. This went on for weeks. And it completely and utterly baffled me. Why? These two girls in particular were literally my best friends just weeks prior, who never had a history of acting this way before. BFFs! Hello, do you know what the last F stands for?! Forever!!! But our 12-year old forevers were short-lived.

I thank God this was my first real devastation in life. Some kids face their first devastation at much younger ages, and to much greater degrees. Nonetheless, I was very hurt. So incredibly hurt. As hurt as you can possibly imagine one 12-year old girl being. I was absolutely devastated. The fact was, I literally grew up with these people. For 7-8 years. There are 12 non-sleeping hours in a day. 8 of those were spent in school, with these kids, so I saw them more than I technically did my own family. My little world was crushed, and instead of reaching out to Christ or to my parents, or even in finding solice in other friends, it was like I curled up in a little ball on my bedroom floor for ages, watching my heart die and freeze over. The word "emo" was not used in those days...

I became so bitter towards these friends, and towards most all of my public school friends. I eventually got out of my cold, bitter state (after about 1.5 years) and moved on, but I never wanted anything to do with these people ever again. We had since moved out of town, so, I figured I never had to deal with them again. Good riddance.

I haven't really thought about them in years. Only when they'd send me friend requests on Myspace or Facebook, which more often than not, I happily declined. I just didn't want to be reminded of them, or that past experience. I figured, I'm holding no grudge. I mean, I don't think about them. But God really laid on my heart that He has [yet again] forgiven me. Forgiven me for things I should never be forgiven of. And while thinking of that, these group of kids entered my mind and I directly thought, "Have I ever forgiven them?" Stacey, Alison, Brett, Brittany, Kristi, April. And while I tried justifying the deep, deep bitterness that I couldn't deny feeling, I told myself, "Well, I'm holding no grudge. I just don't think about it." The fact was, I hadn't forgiven them. When rubber hits the road, I have little love in my heart for them at all. Whenever I thought of them, anger clouded my thoughts. Not to great degrees. Again, I haven't seen to, or talked to these kids in ages and thought of them scarcely. But I was thinking of them now, and I needed to forgive them.

To me, there are obvious things I need God to perfect in my life. I know He wants to perfect those things too. I guess I wasn't expecting Him to perfect all the other areas in my life that were less than perfect, too. It's almost like, "Ok, God. I need help with this, this, this, and this. K, bye!" But it's not like that. God wants to perfect all the areas in our lives that even we've forgotten about. I find it utterly amazing that He hasn't forgotten.

And seriously, we were 12.

So that is my story of the day. Oh, I also want to start professionally speed and/or rally racing. I mean, I should stop speeding and just drive fast professionally and legally, right? I told my mom and she said, "I'm all for it, just tell me the place and the time, and I'll be there." x)

If My Heart Was a House, You'd be Home.

Sometimes I get into "girl mood" and become depressed and upset for no. good. reason. Not only is there no good reason, there is no reason, period! This goes on for a lovely day or two. But this generally doesn’t happen if I’m walking closely, and in step with Christ. And drawing close to Him always, always helps. I love this verse, and I try to remember it if I’m feeling rotten. "Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7) :-)

When I get into these moods (and they are seriously rare), I tend to get mad at someone. Usually, myself. Then, perhaps someone else. Parents. A friend. And I was upset with some people last night. After casting my cares upon Him, I read 1 John. I love this book. 1 John is all about loving God by following His commands, and loving our brothers and sisters in Christ, because He loves us. You seriously cannot possibly read through this book, and continue having a hard heart towards fellow brethren. (Did you know brethren, according to the dictionary, actually means "fellow Christians"? I did not know this. I thought it was an old word for brothers.) And God, of course, convicted me that I had no right whatsoever to be upset with my brothers, or withhold my love for them. Forgiveness and compassion should always be shown, because love comes from God, and we cannot be in Him, and not love. Even if I have every right in the world to be upset at someone, I simply cannot be. Sometimes I struggle with reluctantly showing someone grace and patience. But that’s not love. I know what the right thing to do is. But I choose not to do the right thing in my heart. Only with words am I showing grace and understanding, not in deed.

Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. (1 John 3:16)

My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. (1 John 3:18)

He that says he is in the light, and hates his brother, is in darkness even until now. (1 John 2:9)

Beloved, let us love one another; for love is of God; and every one that loves is born of God, and knows God. (1 John 4:7)

Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. (1 John 4:11)


In other news, we’re slaughtering our chickens this Saturday. That should be fun. (:

The Numbers Are Wearing Off My Plastic Access Cards

I'm glad I've learned lessons over the years so my awesomely-named future children (Winter, Kit, Walker, Whittaker, Lincoln, etc) can learn from them. And hopefully they do.

I recently watched a terrible movie (Preacher's Kid) and one of the characters said, "Everyone has the right to learn from their mistakes." While I guess that's true, it is more ideal that we learn from someone else's mistakes. I think I learned a lot from my older siblings' mistakes, which I'm grateful for. (I WILL NEVER DO THAT has been a frequent thought.) And I hope that my younger brothers can learn from my mistakes, too.

I was recently blessed with the knowledge of a mistake I hadn't realized I made until I was reading a new book recently. When I was about 16, having dedicated my life to the Lord (seriously) two years prior, and having lost a bit of that "first love fire," I began following God's commands because: that's what you were supposed to do. I didn't want to go to hell in a hand basket, and I didn't want to make God mad. I followed His "thou shalt not"s and his law because that's what a Christian is supposed to do. Well, following Him that way, almost out of obligation, led to great discontentment. While I wasn't depressed, I was never truly happy, and even in fellowship with the Lord, I was extremely discontent. I often thought, "Why can't You help me out here? Why can't You give me this and this and this, because THOSE things will make me happy. Because You're not doing this for me, clearly You're not the God I thought you were, and OBVIOUSLY You don't want me to be happy. Humph!"

My discontentment led me down a path of destruction. I was certain I would be happier if I could pave my own path. And I wasn't right with God for 2 years! That was so much wasted time I wish I could get back. The first "fallen year," I was 17 and just completely depressed. I listened to emo music like Linkin Park and Breaking Benjamin all the time! How emo. (The music someone listens to, can tell you a LOT about them.) When I was 18, I wasn't so depressed anymore, but moreso completely desensitized. While I still had strong convictions when I was 17, those convictions weren't there so much when I was 18. And any attempt to get right with God again never "took," because I was never seriously willing to give up MY ways.

I didn't backslide because I lost faith in God's existance. It wasn't out of spite for Him, or because I didn't think He was a good God. It was simply out of discontentment, because I had not been following His ways and His commands out of love for Him, but out of obligation.

And I wondered why my relationship with Him was so different this time around. Why is it so much more fulfilling and satisfying? Why, after pleading with Him for the desires of my heart as a 16-year old, I am perfectly content and satisfied without the prospect of ever having those things? Why is it, this time around, He is ALL that matters anymore? Why is His word so enticing to me now, whereas before it was a chore that I never looked forward to? WHY? I think, for starters, I know Him better now. My experiences, along with studying Scriptures and listening to different teachers of the Word, have shown me the true character of God which I don't think I ever really understood before. And because I know Him better, I trust Him more than ever before. So now, I want to obey Him and His commands, not out of obligation, not because it's what Christians are supposed to do. But out of love, and reverence for Him. Because I want to make Him proud. I want Him to see me as a faithful servant, a spotless and completely submissive Bride. And I have never, ever been this content before. Because I realize now that no matter what happens to me, no matter what horrible things transpire, guess what? He is STILL an unbelievably good God.

1 Timothy 6:6 says, "But godliness with contentment is great gain." When I was 16, I could have been deemed "Godly." I obeyed His commands, and tried really hard to keep them. But I was not content. The Bible says godliness with contentment is great gain. Thanks for summing it up, Paul. I guess I could have just said that and not have written ALL of this...

Okay, a funny story. I'm reading a book on courtship right now by a man named Raunikar, something or other. He has all these strict, strict rules for courtship too, and I'm like, where are you getting these rules at? Anyway, he had some pre-marriage rules for being physical. Apparently you can partake in: side hugs, hand holding, short kisses and limited cuddling. Um. What? Firstly, if you're already kissing, WHAT'S WITH THE SIDE HUGS?! You're kissing, for crying out loud. I found this list exceedingly hilarious. So, if someone follows all these courtship rules to a T, none of these physical things will tempt them in any way, am I right? None of these physical things give yourself away, in any way. NONE of these things are inappropriate before marriage.

Let me say one thing, Raunikar. If that's your REAL name. (Because it very well might not be...) Physical things like that, are nice. Quite nice. Even in the wrong context, they're nice for a time. (Wrong context would be with someone you just met, someone you're not in a relationship with, someone you actually hate, etc.) They are SO NICE, that what happens? You want more. You want to go back to your girlfriend/boyfriend/future life mate, and do those things again. It will inevidably get to a point where the physical stuff, is a BIG, HUGE reason why you want to go see your significant other. It will become the reason WHY you think you like them so much. It could be that in reality, you hate this person. You can't stand them. You either want to slap them, or make out with them. Why is this, you might ask? I'll tell you why.

Being physical with someone releases hormones. And yes, I'm talking about even simply kissing. It releasing bonding chemicals. Chemicals that make us think that we like the person, but if you took all the physical elements away, you will realize that, oh... I really, actually don't like this person at all and we are not compatible in any way, shape or form. The chemicals that are present as long as you are being physical, makes you think you like the person.

Can you imagine how much more beautiful marriage would be if you saved all those things for someone you KNEW you liked, first?! :-) And not only that, but saving those things for someone who has committed the whole rest of their life to YOU? I am certain that once you have connected with someone spiritually, emotionally and then committed your lives to each other through marriage, those bonding chemicals that are released when you're physical, will last a lifetime and will never fade like they so often do in marriages today.

So no, Raunikar. I don't want to partake of those things before I'm married, but thanks anyway.

Wow. Long blog, much? I hope you took the time to pet your dog or listen to Owl City while you were reading this.

Karee

Oh, To Be Young

Life has been great! I have a completely new relationship with God now, which has been about 2 years overdue. And this time it's not a "temporary high" that lasts about a day and a half, because it's been about 3 months now. No, 2 months. It's wonderful to find yourself in Christ again. One thing I've always noticed, is that I don't feel like myself when He's not in my life. I feel like I don't know myself when He's not near. The book of Romans speaks of God choosing to give us mercy. We can't work for it, there's nothing we can do to earn it. He chooses to give it to us. That's why I'm growing more and more uneasy about the phrase "accepting Jesus." He accepts US! And we are darn lucky because of it. So it's not like I decided to let God back into my life. He was gracious enough to accept ME back.



Owl City's albums and singles are repeating in my ear. I have a bad habit of moving my fingers to the synth/xylophone. I also do this while I'm walking with my iPod, and that must look weird. I think a big reason I like Owl City so much is because it reminds me of sceneries and colors and abstract skylines that I never captured in the visual part of my mind before until I heard these songs. See, when I think of things.. anything.. I see in color. When I think of San Francisco, for example, I think of the color red before anything else. Everything has a color. Except numbers. But numbers are either male or female. Isn't that weird?! Maybe I should stop talking, I'm beginning to sound clinically insane.



My favorite Owl City lyric is "We'll fill the metro skies with country air." There is NOTHING better than country air. Jussayin'. So Owl City has come out with three albums (only one was "professionally produced" via a big label company, but pshh). I have 2 of 3 albums, and I really want his first album, Of June. But I haz no monies. "Fuzzy Blue Lights" (off the Of June album) is a favorite song. (Go to youtube.com/deahtbythebow, the video is on the front page!)

Lately I have been really holding onto James 5: 15 & 16.

"And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him. Confess your faults one to another, and pray for another, that you may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

Let's look closer at the "effectual fervent" prayer. Effectual means producing an intended effect. Fervent means "having or showing great warmth or intensity of spirit, feeling, enthusiasm. Hot; burning; glowing." See, I didn't know fervent meant that until I looked it up a few days ago. :-) I thought it meant persistent. But it means desire, intensity, something that's burning inside you (in a good way).

I have been praying everyday lately for three people inparticular. I don't pray for them exclusively. But I never forget to pray fervently for them every day. And what else does James says? It says the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man is powerful. 2 Corinthians 7:1 says, "Let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God." We need to lead righteous and holy lives out of reverence for God. This is first and foremost. We don't try to live holy for ourselves. We do it because our bodies were bought at a price and they no longer belong to us. God's temple resides in us. He demands purity in our lives. But also, when we lead righteous lives, our prayers are more effective. And while I may not always grasp that I need to live a holy life because I was bought by Christ to live for Him, I always grasp the concept that my prayers are not powerful if I'm disobeying Him. Why should He listen to me, if I'm not obeying Him? Would a parent take their child out for ice cream right after the child majorly disobeyed them? Probably not. But a parent is much more likely to do good things for the child and bless him, if he obeys.

Christ died for us while we were still sinners, though. God is not a God who says, "Only when you do this, I will do this for you." Sometimes that is the case. He loves to bless us, but not to the point where it spoils us. He still demands holiness. But He knows we're sinners and we will never be good enough. But our prayers are still going to be MUCH more powerful and effective if we're righteous before Him. So that's what I've been realizing lately. :-)

The title of this blog, Oh, To Be Young, is after a song by The Almost called "Hand Grenade." The lyrics confused me at first, not knowing if the singer was singing to his wife, or to God. But I later realized it had to be about God. Anyway, the lyrics are, "Oh, to be young, it sounds like so much fun. Oh, the long wait for things to happen." Waiting is fun! Because when everything "starts happening," I'll look back and want my waiting days to come back. :-) Speaking of monogamy... (whaa?)

It's funny how some animals are monogamous, and other animals are the furthest thing from it! Geese, are my life inspiration. When you see baby geese, they are ALWAYS (at least in my experience) surrounded by mom and pop. Usually, like when the babies are swimming, one parent is in the front, and one is at the rear of the herd. Pack. Pod. Colony. And they're always together. I have never seen baby geese in the presence of only one parent. If I'm not mistaken, geese are monogamous their whole lives, which is pretty cool. And then you have some animals like the tiger. The male tiger mates, and then basically runs away and never comes back. And then we have insects. I find it so funny/ironic/horrible/weird how female spiders will eat male spiders after they've mated. Male honey bees fall to their death after they've mated. (And a Queen bee mates with about 12 male bees at a time, which is gross. But they're bugs, so it's OK.)

That was random, but it's so nice to see geese and their monogamous ways!! :-) Geese are more moral than us, sometimes. :-P