Story Station

This may seem like an obvious statement. Maybe I am just way behind on the bearing fruits bandwagon, but I find it amazing when God wants to perfect every area in our lives, and not just the obvious.

Just this evening I was reminded of an area of my life that I haven't really thought about in years. And I think God brought this to my attention because I don't know if I've really ever forgiven the people involved in this situation. I mean, I haven't really thought about it. I'm not a grudge-holder (okay, I may be for approx. 3.5 minutes, but no longer than that), so I guess I've always figured, well... I haven't thought about it. Just let it go, right? But I think God is thinking, no. Forgive. In fact, Jesus Himself told us to pray, "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have wronged us." Another Scripture says, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." (Matt 6:14-15)

But what if you've gone 6 1/2 years not knowing that you have debtors you've failed to forgive?

And God "randomly" brought to my attention a time when I was 12 years old.

I was in public school from the ages of 5 to 12. The school was a very small neighborhood school. It was K-8th grade and it housed about 150 students. Right in the middle of my 7th grade year, during winter break, I decided I wanted to be homeschooled. I absolutely hated school. I hated the structure, the confinement, the subjects. It was in my Jr. High Science class where I developed a mentality that I still (unfortunately) possess today: If I think something is stupid, I don't do it. That's not to say that if I don't do something, it's because I think it's stupid. I think it would be absolutely amazing to professionally speed race, but just because I'm not doing it, doesn't mean I think it's stupid. See, I was a very smart kid. I'm still a smart kid in theory. But if I ever get the thought in my mind of, "Why am I doing this? This is pointless and/or stupid," I cease trying. This thought-process resulted in one Science test that I specifically remember getting a 48% F on. :-) Study diligently to gain absolute pointless information? I don't think so. Unfortunately I still have a superiority-complex which makes me think that for whatever reason, I have much better things to do with my time, half the time.

OK, so I hated school. Now, friend-wise, things were great. There were no cliques, I was very much liked, the ridiculous cat fights between us girls ended after 5th grade, etc. So don't get the impression that I hated school because I got beat up or anything. So back to the middle of my 7th grade year. My younger brother had been homeschooled for about a year or so at this point, and I decided I wanted to be homeschooled too, because my grades were continuing to drop, and I knew it wasn't a good learning environment for me, and, I like change. So in December of 2003, I get homeschooled (technically it's still Christmas break though) and soon after that I signed up for lessons with the Champaign School of Music.

For some unknown reason, when I told some of my public school friends the change of plans, that I wouldn't be back, they went insane. Now, had I known that my lack of presense would have caused some of these kids' brains to become detached from their skulls, melt, and squish out of their ears, perhaps I would have thought twice about my decision. The kicker was, the kids that I wasn't very close to didn't care. The kids that I was the closest to, some of my best friends, were the ones who started treating me like I was less than human.

I won't paint a perfect angel Karee picture of myself, though. I was 12 and stupid, they were 12 and stupid, and I know I probably wasn't completely innocent with how I went about all of this either. But really, the attack came out of nowhere and things were said to me that no 12-year old should even know the definitions of. Insults that were clearly adopted from nasty adult cartoons and older sisters. It wasn't one or two mean words. This went on for weeks. And it completely and utterly baffled me. Why? These two girls in particular were literally my best friends just weeks prior, who never had a history of acting this way before. BFFs! Hello, do you know what the last F stands for?! Forever!!! But our 12-year old forevers were short-lived.

I thank God this was my first real devastation in life. Some kids face their first devastation at much younger ages, and to much greater degrees. Nonetheless, I was very hurt. So incredibly hurt. As hurt as you can possibly imagine one 12-year old girl being. I was absolutely devastated. The fact was, I literally grew up with these people. For 7-8 years. There are 12 non-sleeping hours in a day. 8 of those were spent in school, with these kids, so I saw them more than I technically did my own family. My little world was crushed, and instead of reaching out to Christ or to my parents, or even in finding solice in other friends, it was like I curled up in a little ball on my bedroom floor for ages, watching my heart die and freeze over. The word "emo" was not used in those days...

I became so bitter towards these friends, and towards most all of my public school friends. I eventually got out of my cold, bitter state (after about 1.5 years) and moved on, but I never wanted anything to do with these people ever again. We had since moved out of town, so, I figured I never had to deal with them again. Good riddance.

I haven't really thought about them in years. Only when they'd send me friend requests on Myspace or Facebook, which more often than not, I happily declined. I just didn't want to be reminded of them, or that past experience. I figured, I'm holding no grudge. I mean, I don't think about them. But God really laid on my heart that He has [yet again] forgiven me. Forgiven me for things I should never be forgiven of. And while thinking of that, these group of kids entered my mind and I directly thought, "Have I ever forgiven them?" Stacey, Alison, Brett, Brittany, Kristi, April. And while I tried justifying the deep, deep bitterness that I couldn't deny feeling, I told myself, "Well, I'm holding no grudge. I just don't think about it." The fact was, I hadn't forgiven them. When rubber hits the road, I have little love in my heart for them at all. Whenever I thought of them, anger clouded my thoughts. Not to great degrees. Again, I haven't seen to, or talked to these kids in ages and thought of them scarcely. But I was thinking of them now, and I needed to forgive them.

To me, there are obvious things I need God to perfect in my life. I know He wants to perfect those things too. I guess I wasn't expecting Him to perfect all the other areas in my life that were less than perfect, too. It's almost like, "Ok, God. I need help with this, this, this, and this. K, bye!" But it's not like that. God wants to perfect all the areas in our lives that even we've forgotten about. I find it utterly amazing that He hasn't forgotten.

And seriously, we were 12.

So that is my story of the day. Oh, I also want to start professionally speed and/or rally racing. I mean, I should stop speeding and just drive fast professionally and legally, right? I told my mom and she said, "I'm all for it, just tell me the place and the time, and I'll be there." x)